October 2020 - LastBestPlace

becky and morris humor
by LastBestPlace 30 Oct '20

30 Oct '20

Becky and Morris were having another of their arguments. At the end of this one, Becky yells, “You’ll be sorry! I’m going to leave you!” To which Morris replied, “Make up your mind, Becky, which one is it going to be! You can’t have it both ways!”

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phone humor
by LastBestPlace 29 Oct '20

29 Oct '20

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. This clearly demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. I just thought you’d like to know. 😉

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mathematician humor
by LastBestPlace 28 Oct '20

28 Oct '20

A salesman, a priest and a mathematician were in a conference. One of them asked, "what is preferrable, a wife or a mistress?". The salesman immediately said, "a mistress, of course. Less commitment, and more fun". The priest said, "there is risk of loss, and less moral. So wife" The mathematician said, "We should have both. That way the wife thinks you are with the mistress and the mistress thinks you are with your wife, but you can be in the office doing mathematics!"

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marriage humor
by LastBestPlace 28 Oct '20

28 Oct '20

A 90 year old man tells his Rabbi that he is going to marry a teenage woman. “Well it’s good not to be alone. But you know a person has needs that must be fulfilled. And you want a happy home. So let me suggest something. You should hire a gardener.” Ahah, Rabbi , I think I understand. You are very wise. 6 months later they cross paths. “How are you? How is married life?” “Wonderful! And Rabbi, my wife is pregnant!” The rabbi strokes his chin, “And how is the gardener?” “Wonderful! She’s pregnant too! “

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08/17/2020 ~ 08/21/2020 Fireplace Demolition
by LastBestPlace 26 Oct '20

26 Oct '20

In June we had the chimney removed. This consisted of 30 tons of rock and cinder block torn down and removed; framing of a new roof line; and a new metal roof installed over that area. That work was all on the external side of the house. Now on to the inside of the house. We previous had a propane "fireplace insert". An insert, as the name suggests, is designed to be /*inserted*/ into a fireplace opening with a chimney. So with no chimney anymore we needed to replace that with a "propane fireplace", which uses a much simpler exhaust system. In preparation for that, the metal firebox for the original wood burning fireplace must be removed due to size constraints. Thus the plan was to have the existing inside the house wall of stonework removed to provide access to the firebox for its removal, then frame a new flat wall with new stonework. And so it began .... This is how it looked after the chimney removal. The top stones of the wall had been removed already as part of the chimney removal, as it was easy access to them at that point and would have been difficult after the new roof was installed. Pink foam insulation boards has been cut and stuffed in to place at the time as we could see blue sky until the roof work was completed. Blacks garage bags were stuffed in to the fireplace heating vents to keep debris and dust from getting inside the house during chimney demolition. The stonework is removed, one rock at a time, using a portable jackhammer. This generates and incredible amount of dust, so the first step is to tent it up as much as possible. Furniture was all covered in sheets. Pictures all removed due to vibrations. It still made an incredible mess throughout the house -- it took longer to clean and vacuum every inch of the house than the demolition took -- the cathedral ceilings in particular were in a pain in the ass to vacuum! Inside the "tent", with the stonework removed. At this point we can clearly see a cinder block wall around the massive firebox. There are a few metal tabs attached to the cinder block -- these were all that anchored the stone; a small earthquake would have easily brought all that stone crumbling down. As our mason said -- "We don't build like that anymore". At this point it looks like it is simply a matter of removing the firebox. It is big. Huge! Extra Large! Our best guess is when they built the house they picked a spot for the firebox, put it in place and built the house around it. Just nuts! The 4 tubes are the metal vents -- the design is that air is sucked in on the lower sides of the firebox, drawn up over the fireplace, and vented out above the fireplace. It immediately became obvious that some of the surrounding cinder would need to be removed to get the firebox out. The top portion was rusted enough it just took a little muscle to yank and break it off. Then the torching begins. We were definitely very, very nervous during the torching. My role was fireman -- water bucket and garden hose turned on outside on the deck, and fire extinguisher inside the house, but I was outside of the tent since there was limited space. Yikes!! The upper portion with the vent tubes have been removed. Various pieces inn the truck to be hauled away When the torching was completed and it seemed the work was complete except for cleanup, I went for a run. On my return it looked like this photo. The mish mash jumbles of blocks and bricks on the left side were for the flue that extended to the basement, where we think at one time there was a wood burning fireplace. Definitely screamed the look of cowboy construction. The tent is removed and the area is very clean. This is when Sandy and I looked at it and said "Y'know, if those blocks were removed, we could put in a cabinet. And above that we could have a really cool shelf that recessed back into the sloped ceiling". And that is how the feature creep began -- instead of a simple flat replacement wall, we wanted more. We had the contractor and tools right there for demolition, so up went the tent again to tear out the additional cruft. And on completion of the demolition, we end up with this cavity. Since this was not planned in advance, we now wait for our carpenter (who we worked with before) to free up to frame the area for the fireplace, cabinets and shelf. The propane fireplace is ordered and ready; the replacement stone is ordered and ready. Since the fireplace venting is simple and straightforward it can be done even in winter. So we are not sure when the work will be done, but we'd like to think the dirtiest and most disruptive portions are behind us.

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10/23/2020 My Birthday Present
by LastBestPlace 24 Oct '20

24 Oct '20

What gift do I want for my birthday? To be healthy and active enough to run in one of the most scenic places on earth. I ask so little! Today my wish came true. Very unusual weather this October. We've had 2 snowstorms already this month. Another large one is today -- light snow starting around noon continuing thru noon tomorrow. So at 1pm I head off for my standard maintenance run. 4 miles round trip to the old bridge, using the bike trail inside the park to make a loop. It's been snowing steadily as I head out. The bike path into the park. Maybe 2 sets of footprints in the snow, but I see no one the entire run. The park is mine today, all mine alone!! Did I mention I forgot to bring my bear spray with me? Downstream from the new-new bridge. (That is intentional and is not fake news!) Upstream from the bridge. In the summer this is the whitewater rafting takeout spot for Glacier Raft Co. 27 degrees is shorts weather. I always say if ya got the legs then flaunt 'em. I'm not sure why I stopped, but I did at this point and looked back up the trail. The texture of the snow covered leaves pattern, the red leaves, the whole trail is brilliant. No better birthday present exists .... though some well aged scotches are competitive. Looking back at the new-new bridge. Looking forward to the old bridge. Magnificent. Kinda hard to read the park service sign about the bridge history today. Downstream. Upstream. Yes it's okay to say WOW! An incredible birthday present ... but then again I am blessed to be able to run this 4 or 5 times a week. No two days are ever the same.

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10/15/20 Going Loopy
by LastBestPlace 17 Oct '20

17 Oct '20

Indian Summer ended a week ago, on 10/9. That's when the weather turned wet and cold. At that time the park service announced they were "temporarily" closing Sun road access to Logan Pass. Like all government endeavors there is nothing so permanent as something done "temporarily", and with continuing cold and wet weather the decision was made to close the road for the rest of the season. (It had already been announced it would close on 10/19 for the year anyway -- they winterize the road. Part of that is unbolting and removing guardrails which would otherwise be destroyed by winter avalanches). But closure of the road at Avalanche Creek means no more cars on the road!!! So on the only day forecast without precipitation for the next week Sandy are I went for a bike ride to the Loop. Typically we have done this in the spring, when the days are longer and warmer, but this time we are blessed not only with fall colors, but snow covered mountains from the prior night's storm. Phenomenal!!! Saw at most 2 dozen other bikers on the 7 mile ride up to the Loop, and encountered only 3 cars with park service personnel. So quiet. It's always a thrill when you nearly have Glacier National Park to yourself. Avalanche parking lot was packed. The park service had closed the campground for parking, and there were a lot of visitors. After about 20 minutes we finally snagged a parking spot on our 5th time around the parking area. Don't have to go very far before being in awe of the view. New snow on the mountains on either side of us. Wow! Wow! Wow! The VOMIT photo (Very Old Man In Tights). The view from the road pulls you along. View from the first turnout after crossing Logan Creek, which is the start of the incline. The view back is of Mt. Oberlin and Bird Women Falls. Turnout #2 rest stop. Mt. Oberlin the middle. The Garden Wall on the left with Going-To-The-Sun Road. Logan Pass is just out of view. The west side tunnel. Heaven's Peak looking thru one of the tunnel portals. The sign at the Loop. We had a bite to eat but did not stay too long, as the wind kicked up and it started to snow. The ride back with the wind chill was a wee bit cold, but the views were absolutely worth it. Quite exhilarating ride down with no cars and 4 miles of downhill to start. The next few days are forecast cold with snow at the upper elevations. This is probably the last ride up for the year. I'm not missing sitting in an office staring at a screen all day.

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Costco humor
by LastBestPlace 14 Oct '20

14 Oct '20

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO Costco Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think..I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

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10/12/20 Irrational Exuberance
by LastBestPlace 13 Oct '20

13 Oct '20

I am filled with an /Irrational Exuberance/ of optimism for the future! It is Fall, which is easily the most beautiful season of the year at the Last Best Place, with of course the possible exceptions of Winter, Spring and Summer. Golden colors. Describing the air as crisp is absolutely meaningless ... until the moment you experience it. The many accomplishments this year help very much with the atypical cheery disposition. The roof is finally, finally, finally leak free! The heat pump and adjoining water well, along with the new generator that kicks on automatically during a power outage can provide us grid free living .... at least until the propane runs out. The Scamp upgrades us from tent camping to the albeit tiny mother of luxury camping. Despite other shortages during the year, the Scotch, Rye whiskey and Cold Smoke supplies have been ample. Additionally I still am able to get out for a run often. Been busy with house projects that preempted consistent running, but am blessed with my 4 mile maintenance run to the Belton Bridge and back. It's easy to be motivated for a run on such a beautiful route, and the last few days have not disappointed. Saturday had some haze in the air, smoke from afar. But the Middle Fork is glass. View from under the bridge Today was quite different. Cold rain all morning, that broke about noon. In the village snow is visible on Strawberry Mtn. Better snow view, with Golden trees on the trail. The Belton Bridge, framed in yellow. Truly the Last Best Place .... ... in every direction The golf course closed for the season yesterday. On the run back I went thru the course with the view of Apgar Mtn, 2000 feet above, with the season's first dusting of snow. Last. Best. Place. Ever!

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Irish humor
by LastBestPlace 07 Oct '20

07 Oct '20

NEVER BELIEVE AN IRISHMAN An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone . He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

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LastBestPlace October 2020