LastBestPlace December 2020

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1 participants
5 discussions

labor humor
by LastBestPlace 25 Dec '20

25 Dec '20

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.” The husband says he can’t feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can’t feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

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Four Husband humor
by LastBestPlace 21 Dec '20

21 Dec '20

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. (Wait for it) She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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pilot humor
by LastBestPlace 13 Dec '20

13 Dec '20

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

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bucket humor
by LastBestPlace 12 Dec '20

12 Dec '20

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!’ The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’ Holding the bucket up he said . . . . . . .I'm here to feed the alligator.

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cat humor
by LastBestPlace 01 Dec '20

01 Dec '20

A man had to go on a business trip for two weeks and asked his brother to watch his cat for him while he was gone. After a couple of days the man on the trip called his brother and asked how the cat was doing. "Bad news," said his brother. "It got loose, got on the roof, fell off, and died." "What, are you crazy," the man exclaimed. "How could you tell me such bad news so abruptly? You should have broken it to me gently." "What do you mean," the brother said. "You should have told me in stages. You could have told me that the cat had gotten out of the house on this call but you were searching for him. Then on the next call you could have told me the cat was on the roof, but you were trying to get him off of it. On the third call you could have told me the cat fell of the roof, but was at the vet. And finally, you could have told me that the cat had died." "OK, I'll remember that," the brother said. A few days later the business man called his brother and asked him, "how's dad?" "He's gotten out of the house, but we're searching for him."

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LastBestPlace December 2020