LastBestPlace May 2020

lastbestplace@mailman.ejop.com

1 participants
6 discussions

diamond humor
by LastBestPlace 30 May '20

30 May '20

A woman walks into a dinner party with a much older man. At dinner, the lady sitting next to the woman turns to her and says, "My, that's a beautiful diamond you're wearing. In fact, I think it's the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!" "Thank you. This is the Plotnick Diamond. Maybe you have heard of it? Between the Hope Diamond and the Star of India is the Plotnick. It’s 40 carats." Replies the woman. "The Plotnick Diamond. Isn’t that romantic. I would do anything for a diamond like that," says the lady. "Oh no you wouldn’t. The diamond comes with a curse." Replies the woman. "A curse?" asks the lady. "What's the curse?" Sadly the woman answers, "Mr. Plotnick.

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05/29/20 Flattening of the Curve
by LastBestPlace 29 May '20

29 May '20

This time of year it is always a relief to see the curve flattened. I of course am referring to the height of the Middle Fork of the Flathead River. Flooding could occur anytime between mid May to mid June. The closest river monitoring site is on the other side of the golf course, downstream from us, at elevation 3128 feet. Our LastBestPlace home has a basement floor at 3161 feet, first floor at 3169 feet, and 2nd floor at 3177 feet per our elevation certificate required by our FEMA flood insurance. My guess is that at our location, if the river hits 15 feet of height it may reach the house. The river is a federally designated designated "Wild and Scenic" waterway. There are (and never will be) dams on it. so flooding will always be a risk. <https://water.weather.gov/ahps2/river.php?wfo=mso&wfoid=18683&riverid=20399…> Assuming a 15 foot crest reaches the house, looking at the historical data the flood of 1964 with the crest of 36.46 feet would pretty much submerge the entire house! While that can still happen, the conditions of a late season heavy snow, rapid increase in temperature, and a warm storm the dumped an estimated 10 inches of rain in 24 hours make that unlikely.

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An old man boarded an airplane
by LastBestPlace 29 May '20

29 May '20

An old man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said. “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.” He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer.” She responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” He said. “and what kind of myths are they?” “Well.” She explained, “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Irish.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry.” She said. “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto.” The old man said. “Tonto McTavish, but my friends call me Paddy.”

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guess your age humor
by LastBestPlace 23 May '20

23 May '20

Three elderly women are sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then, old man Cohen shuffles by, and one of the old women calls out, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.” Old man Cohen stops. ‘Well, so how can you do that?” he asks. “All you have to do is drop your pants and your undershorts and we can tell your exact age.” Old man Cohen is a little embarrassed, but he wants to prove these ladies are wrong. He decides to play their game, and he pulls down his pants and boxers. “Turn around, turn around,” one of the old ladies exclaims. Old man Cohen obliges them by turning around a couple of times. “Maybe you can jump up and down a bit?” the second woman asks. With a bit of effort, Cohen goes up and down on his toes a few times. “So it’s not so easy to guess my age?” he asks. All of a sudden, the third elderly woman calls out, “You're 94 years old!” Standing with his pants and boxers down around his ankles, old man Cohen is amazed. “You’re right,” he says, “but how in the world did you figure it out?” “It was easy,” one of the women answers. “We were at your birthday party yesterday.”

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doctor humor
by LastBestPlace 21 May '20

21 May '20

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office “Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.” “Yeah, I know.” He looked confused. “Then why are you here?” “The light was on.”

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Costco Latest Scam Alert
by LastBestPlace 05 May '20

05 May '20

Women are often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. A “heads up” for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe’s, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naïve enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your male friends. Here’s how the scam works; two very beautiful, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. (It’s impossible NOT to look). [cid:image001.jpg@01D6220C.E6C0B830] When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” but instead ask for a ride over to McDonald’s. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 28th. Also April 1st, 2nd, 8th, twice on the 9th & 10th, and very likely again tomorrow and Wednesday. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be alert and vigilant.

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LastBestPlace May 2020