- LastBestPlace - mm4.emwd.com

golf humor
by LastBestPlace 12 Dec '22

12 Dec '22

An Old Golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you so distressed?" The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water, and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. Again, the golfer replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an old iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "Yes, that's it!" The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer won his tournament and went home happy. Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the lake. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you so distressed?" "Oh, Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!" The Lord went into the water and reappeared with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the golfer. The Lord was furious. "You lied!" The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. Let me explain. You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve... so that's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton. And God was pleased. The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others.

1 0

mustache humor
by LastBestPlace 30 Nov '22

30 Nov '22

Levy is sitting on a subway train staring dreamily at the guy across from him. "Hey," says the guy, "why are you staring at me?" "Whether you believe it or not," says Levy “you are the spitting image of my wife. Except for the mustache." "But, I don't have a mustache," says the guy. "Right."

1 0

11/24/22 Thanksgiving
by LastBestPlace 25 Nov '22

25 Nov '22

Happy Thanksgiving from the Last Best Place! Sandy got up early to take a sunrise photo from the house over the Belton Hills of Glacier National Park. I slept in since I don't have to work tomorrow 😉! As an American history buff, I'm sharing a brief perspective of the original Thanksgivings experienced by the Mayflower Pilgrims. This article is a vignette from Scott S. Powells book /Rediscovering America. /It is available on Amazon if you have have further interest. Faith, Gratitude, And Perseverance: Americans Have Much To Learn From The Pilgrim Story _The Pilgrims’ story reveals remarkable insight into who we are and the qualities of character we need to overcome our present challenges. The Thanksgiving holiday, which commemorates one part of the Pilgrim story, remains the favorite holiday for many Americans — and for good reasons beyond enjoying a feast. With our country passing through troubled times, it is worth revisiting the Pilgrims’ five significant achievements, which created the seminal story of America, and reveal remarkable insight into who we are and the qualities of character we need to overcome our present challenges. First, of the many groups of settlers who came to America, only the Pilgrims were singularly motivated by a spiritual quest for religious freedom — one that had its origin with the Protestant Reformation a century before. They repeatedly spoke about their voyage to the New World in terms of a flight from tyranny to freedom, comparing themselves to God’s chosen people — the Israelites — who overcame slavery and abuse in Egypt to get to the Promised Land. Similar to the Israelites’ exodus, the Pilgrims had left what they saw as oppressive and morally corrupt authorities in Great Britain and Europe to create a new life in America. Thus, both Christians and Jews find profound meaning in the Pilgrims’ Thanksgiving story. Thanksgiving could be thought of as the holiday that made the other American holidays possible. Without the Pilgrims having courage, absolute faith in their cause and calling, and a willingness to sacrifice and risk everything, they never would have embarked on the 94-foot Mayflower — a ship of questionable seaworthiness. Were it not for their faith and determination to find freedom of conscience and live according to their biblical beliefs, there may never have been a July Fourth Independence Day or other subsequent American holidays we take for granted and celebrate each year. After a harrowing passage across the Atlantic, one that included wild pitching and broadside batterings by gale force winds and ferocious seas that caused the splitting of the ship’s main beam, the Mayflower was blown off course from the intended destination of the established Virginia Colony territory to wilds of Cape Cod. The Pilgrims knew not where they were nor how to proceed, so they beseeched the Almighty for favor in making landfall in a suitable place with fresh water and fertile soil to establish a new and independent settlement. Now in sight of land after a frightening voyage and facing hunger from spoiled and depleted provisions and anxious about settling outside the purview of Virginia Company charter territory, the secular Mayflower passengers were restless and insolent. And this is when the Pilgrims made their second major achievement that would shape the future of America. The Foundation of Self-Government Pilgrim leaders John Carver, William Bradford, and William Brewster recognized that Mayflower passengers, diverse as they were, needed to maintain unity to survive in a potentially inhospitable environment. So they drafted a governing agreement that would be acceptable to both their Christian brethren and the secular crewman and merchant adventurers — who made up about half of the 102 people aboard the Mayflower. That governing document, known as the Mayflower Compact, provided for peace, security, and equality for everyone in their anticipated settlement. With every man aboard signing the Mayflower Compact, the Pilgrims established the foundation for democratic self-government based on the will of the people for the first time. The Mayflower Compact laid the cornerstone of the U.S. Constitution, which would be drafted and adopted some 170 years later. The fact that all the Pilgrims survived the squalid and cramped ship quarters during the dangerous crossing of a vast ocean is no doubt partially attributable to the good fortune that the Mayflower//had previously been enlisted as a wine transport cargo ship. Unlike most merchant ships, she had a “sweet smell,” from all her decks and bilges being “disinfected” with wine sloshing and soaking from broken barrels of Bordeaux and high-alcohol port in the many prior crossings of the sometimes stormy English Channel. That all changed once the Mayflower’s passengers settled in “New Plymouth,” Massachusetts in December of 1620. The first winter was devastating, with illness afflicting most and over half the Pilgrims dying, including four entire families. But it could have been worse. The fate of the Pilgrim colonists would surely have been more difficult had they not settled where they did, adjacent to friendly natives of the Pokanoket Indian village that were part of the Wampanoag tribe. And had they not befriended two who providentially could speak broken English — Squanto and Samoset — perhaps none would have survived. Squanto and his fellow native tribesmen would teach the Pilgrims survival skills, showing them how to hunt, fish, and plant various crops, such as corn, squash, and varieties of beans, which were unknown to the Englishmen. A Lasting Peace Treaty The Pilgrims’ third major achievement was the Pilgrim-Wampanoag Peace Treaty, which was signed on April 1, 1621, by Massasoit and leaders of the Plymouth colony. And a remarkable accomplishment it was, for it lasted more than 50 years — longer than subsequent peace treaties made by other colonizing groups with native Indian tribes. The fact that there were bloody conflicts between other colonists and tribes, such as in the Pequot War fought in Connecticut in 1636-1637, makes the Pilgrims stand out, for they succeeded in maintaining the longest-lasting and most equitable peace between natives and immigrants in the history of what would become the United States. In spite of learning from the native Indians how to plant, cultivate, and harvest new crops in their first year, the Pilgrims complied with their sponsoring Virginia Company charter that called for settlement farmland to be owned and worked communally and for harvests to be equally shared. This socialist common property approach created disincentives to work. William Bradford recorded in his memoirs that while “slackers showed up late for work … everybody was happy to claim their equal share … and production only shrank.” Although no one is certain of the exact date of the first Thanksgiving, we know it was a Pilgrim initiative, celebrated in November 1621 to give thanks to God for their survival, having lost so many during that first winter in Plymouth. They were also giving thanks for their first harvest — meager though it was. When Massasoit was invited to join the Pilgrims, it was assumed that he wouldn’t bring more guests than the 50-odd Pilgrim survivor hosts. Massasoit arrived with twice that number, well-stocked with food, fowl, and game of all kinds — including five deer. There was more than enough for everyone, and it turns out that the first Thanksgiving celebration would last three days, punctuated by Indian song, games and dance, Pilgrim prayers, and even a military parade by Myles Standish. Rejecting Socialism The Pilgrims’ fourth major achievement was the rejection of socialism and the adoption of private enterprise. After the meager Thanksgiving harvest, the second season of collective farming and distribution proved equally disappointing. Gov. Bradford had seen enough, recording that the system “was found to breed much confusion and discontent and retard much employment that would have been to their benefit and comfort.” So before the 1623 season, he scrapped socialist farming and replaced it with private ownership of land for each of the families. As a result of becoming responsible for their own welfare and gaining freedom to choose what to grow for consumption or trade, the Pilgrims’ productivity surged. Service and Sacrifice The fifth factor that distinguished the Pilgrims was their model relational behavior. While tolerance enabled them to keep relative harmony within their diverse community, they also looked outwardly to serve and help others. In March of 1623, it came to be known that Massasoit was on the brink of death from an unknown illness. Senior Pilgrim elder Edward Winslow immediately set out on a 40-mile journey to administer medicinal broth, natural herbs, and prayers to Massasoit. Astonishingly, upon making a full recovery within days, he remarked, “Now I see the English are my friends and love me; and whilst I live, I will never forget this kindness they have showed me.” In summary, the Pilgrims’ five achievements and the qualities of character that made them exemplary are as relevant today as ever. A contemporary Thanksgiving makeover might include: rekindling a quest for adventure; developing the faith to hold on to a vision of a promised land no matter what; mustering the courage to go against the crowd and defend the truth; gaining the resolve to endure hardship; revitalizing respect for and tolerance of people of different beliefs; rejuvenating a joyful willingness to sacrifice for others; and renewing the predisposition to extend love, assistance, and gratitude at every appropriate opportunity. <https://www.discovery.org/p/powell/>

1 0

monk humor
by LastBestPlace 14 Nov '22

14 Nov '22

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned the task of helping the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what’s wrong. “You idiots”, he says, with anger and sadness in his eyes, “the word was celebrate!”

1 0

Fall 2022 Travels
by LastBestPlace 12 Nov '22

12 Nov '22

There is no mythical leisure time in my retirement! I've been way too busy to send out any photos. During August, September and October I've spent nights in ... Los Angles, Santa Barbara, San Diego, White Sulphur Springs MT, near Thermopolis WY, near Steamboat Springs CO, Great Sand Dunes National Park, near Black Canyon of the Gunnison National Park, Rangely CO, Wasatch Mountain State Park UT, Craters of the Moon National Monument, Fort Collins CO, Colorado Springs CO, Hygiene CO, and New Hudson MI (just outside of Ann Arbor MI). In between travels we managed to have the 4 cottonwood trees on the street side cut down, upgraded from miserable 6Mbs DSL internet to 100+Mbs Starlink internet, a day trip to Missoula to meet up with Dorothy, and a visit from my sister Mary who drove out from Florida. Winter has arrived early this year in West Glacier, with the first covering of snow on November 2. In fact it was enough snow to warrant using the snow blower, which managed to clear our driveway before breaking down (an internal spring for the clutch that drives the wheels snapped)! Even enough snow to be cross country skiing around the golf course, and I am hopeful to be skinning up Whitefish Mountain in the coming week (Whitefish downhill season does not open until Dec. 8). The colder weather means it's time to focus on indoor tasks, one of which is to catch up on photos, so expect a few more emails to be dribbling out soon. I'm still getting out running, despite the drop in temperatures. And who wouldn't want to be outdoors when the views look like this! And some evenings it is just good enough to sit by the fire and watch amazing winter sunsets. They only last about 3 minutes, and are incredible.

1 0

birthday humor
by LastBestPlace 23 Oct '22

23 Oct '22

Inappropriate humor, in recognition of my birthday tomorrow … A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

1 0

cowboy humor
by LastBestPlace 17 Oct '22

17 Oct '22

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too) All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

1 0

statue humor
by LastBestPlace 02 Oct '22

02 Oct '22

Two statues in a park There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life. The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.” He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?” He asks her “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.”

1 0

text humor
by LastBestPlace 28 Aug '22

28 Aug '22

FIRST TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Morris. This is Saul, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. - Saul. Morris, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Saul dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Morris then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Saul. SECOND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Morris. Saul here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, hey? It'll be the death of us.

1 0

a guy walks in to a bar humor
by LastBestPlace 23 Aug '22

23 Aug '22

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him. "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there," he says. The man turns around. "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

1 0

2025

2024

2023

2022

2021

2020

LastBestPlace