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pilot humor
by LastBestPlace 13 Dec '20

13 Dec '20

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

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bucket humor
by LastBestPlace 12 Dec '20

12 Dec '20

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!’ The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’ Holding the bucket up he said . . . . . . .I'm here to feed the alligator.

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cat humor
by LastBestPlace 01 Dec '20

01 Dec '20

A man had to go on a business trip for two weeks and asked his brother to watch his cat for him while he was gone. After a couple of days the man on the trip called his brother and asked how the cat was doing. "Bad news," said his brother. "It got loose, got on the roof, fell off, and died." "What, are you crazy," the man exclaimed. "How could you tell me such bad news so abruptly? You should have broken it to me gently." "What do you mean," the brother said. "You should have told me in stages. You could have told me that the cat had gotten out of the house on this call but you were searching for him. Then on the next call you could have told me the cat was on the roof, but you were trying to get him off of it. On the third call you could have told me the cat fell of the roof, but was at the vet. And finally, you could have told me that the cat had died." "OK, I'll remember that," the brother said. A few days later the business man called his brother and asked him, "how's dad?" "He's gotten out of the house, but we're searching for him."

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Rome humor
by LastBestPlace 01 Dec '20

01 Dec '20

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” "We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!” “United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?” "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.” "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.” "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.” "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.” A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot.. And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!” "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.” "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..” "Oh, really! What'd he say?” He said: "Who fucked up your hair?

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speeding humor
by LastBestPlace 01 Dec '20

01 Dec '20

A man is speeding along the highway at 1 a.m. A policeman stops him and asks, "Where are you racing at this hour?" "To a lecture," the man responds. "Who gives lectures at this hour?" the policeman wonders. "My wife," he replies.

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Irish/English humor
by LastBestPlace 22 Nov '20

22 Nov '20

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery. The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me" The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery; I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued. So, he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them, again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?" The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets!"

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Montana Cowboy humor
by LastBestPlace 22 Nov '20

22 Nov '20

Joke for you... A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."

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becky and morris humor
by LastBestPlace 30 Oct '20

30 Oct '20

Becky and Morris were having another of their arguments. At the end of this one, Becky yells, “You’ll be sorry! I’m going to leave you!” To which Morris replied, “Make up your mind, Becky, which one is it going to be! You can’t have it both ways!”

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phone humor
by LastBestPlace 29 Oct '20

29 Oct '20

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. This clearly demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. I just thought you’d like to know. 😉

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mathematician humor
by LastBestPlace 28 Oct '20

28 Oct '20

A salesman, a priest and a mathematician were in a conference. One of them asked, "what is preferrable, a wife or a mistress?". The salesman immediately said, "a mistress, of course. Less commitment, and more fun". The priest said, "there is risk of loss, and less moral. So wife" The mathematician said, "We should have both. That way the wife thinks you are with the mistress and the mistress thinks you are with your wife, but you can be in the office doing mathematics!"

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